Okay, time to vent some feelings.
I have always struggled with self esteem issues. And while I never let it completely control my life, it has led to depression and poor decisions through out the last 10-15 years.
After marrying Dan, things started getting better. I took pride in my appearance, I worked to look and feel great and really started to be able to ignore those little negative things that would pop into my head.
But it's starting to slip. A huge factor is that my average week consists of housework, childcare, the shop and an hour or so of socializing with my sister-in-law. That hour has become my haven. Because of the shops hours, Dan's 12 hour days and the need to have someone watch my kids, I don't get so socialize much at all.
Dan tries to help, but for him gaming on-line is socialization enough. Not me. And even when I can make it out to things, I always feel left out. Not that I think people are TRYING to ignore me, but I always feel on the outside. All the parents with kids my kids' age seem to get together a lot, they bond and they always have something to talk about. And when they talk, I have no idea what they are referencing.
I know a lot is how I perceive things, but when I leave an activity, I usually walk out alone, without anyone to say good-bye to. And it feels like no one notices. I know, I know, I am probably being a tad dramatic, but still, it's how I feel.
And it used to be, before I got my license, my mom and I would do things together all the time, but now, I have so much to do and she has so much typing (she does medical transcription from home) that we rarely get together without the whole family there.
And being me only makes it harder. I am an obnoxious, dark and strange person in a Mormon world, and I know that alienates me to a point.
Maybe it's wrong, and maybe it's not what God would have me be, but I am just not the sort of person who likes to talk about my testimony and personal scripture study in a social setting. I don't make temple trip plans when I am out, I don't do that whole "Molly Mormon" thing, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will. I watch anime and crime shows and I read books about vampires, dragons, necromancers and wizards. I game on my computer, I like movies with a little horror. I enjoy watching TV and movies that aren't rated G.
I am sure there are more out there like me, and maybe it's the whole group setting thing that makes people like me think they need to be something else, but it is hard. I have one LDS friend who I really get along with on the forms of entertainment level, but given she has no kids and is in school, it can make it hard to get together outside of VT visits.
And with non-LDS people it can be even harder, I don't watch rated R movies, I don't drink and I don't go to bars for live music. I do have kids at 26 (most of my non-member friends do not) so I can't be out until 2 in the morning. I'm not in school, I run a business and I have a 3 bedroom house with a yard I need to try and maintain, not an apartment.
Okay, pity party is done. I just had to get it out there.
2 comments:
Well good for you for being you. I feel like you can be exactly what you want and do what you want. It's probably best to do it in a gospel context.
It's my personal opinion, and I'm okay if you disagree, but online gaming isn't the best way to socialize. I didn't want to date people who game because I wanted my relationship to be with them and theirs with me, and not their relationship with the computer. I'm not saying your husband's relationship with you is more with the computer.
I have a hard time at in a social setting too. I don't know anyone in my ward... at all. And I guess I could reach out, but it's really hard for me. It kind of takes someone really making a conversation meaningful for me to feel comfortable. And shoot, I'm in Utah.
Being outside Utah, trying to be a good Mormon, trying to create a social life within your standards, along with everything else really is difficult. It is just hard.
I hope you can get through it. I'm sure you can.
I know you don't like it when I try to give you advice, but I will leave this comment and you can take it or leave it. These are things that have worked for me.
Instead of focusing on the ways you are different, original and unique, focus on the things you have in common with other people. That doesn't mean you act like someone else, it just means you try to find a common ground, like a venn diagram. Don't get mad at other people who have differences of opinion, or who bond over things you don't enjoy (sports, for example), it will only alienate you more. Try looking around for the other people who look lonely or out of place, or new. Don't wait for others to reach out to you. Listen more than you talk. People love to talk about themselves and the things they like. Ask them questions, relate your own experiences, but listen more. Nothing lifts up your own self-worth than reaching out to others. If YOU can make someone feel they had a good time at an activity, then you will feel it was worth it to go.
Like I said, this has worked for me. I rarely feel I fit in 100% with all the Mormons, and I never fit in 100% with the non-members. But I have been surprised many times when I got to know someone I had made a judgement about and realized we have a lot more in common than I thought.
Post a Comment