Okay, time to vent some feelings.
I have always struggled with self esteem issues. And while I never let it completely control my life, it has led to depression and poor decisions through out the last 10-15 years.
After marrying Dan, things started getting better. I took pride in my appearance, I worked to look and feel great and really started to be able to ignore those little negative things that would pop into my head.
But it's starting to slip. A huge factor is that my average week consists of housework, childcare, the shop and an hour or so of socializing with my sister-in-law. That hour has become my haven. Because of the shops hours, Dan's 12 hour days and the need to have someone watch my kids, I don't get so socialize much at all.
Dan tries to help, but for him gaming on-line is socialization enough. Not me. And even when I can make it out to things, I always feel left out. Not that I think people are TRYING to ignore me, but I always feel on the outside. All the parents with kids my kids' age seem to get together a lot, they bond and they always have something to talk about. And when they talk, I have no idea what they are referencing.
I know a lot is how I perceive things, but when I leave an activity, I usually walk out alone, without anyone to say good-bye to. And it feels like no one notices. I know, I know, I am probably being a tad dramatic, but still, it's how I feel.
And it used to be, before I got my license, my mom and I would do things together all the time, but now, I have so much to do and she has so much typing (she does medical transcription from home) that we rarely get together without the whole family there.
And being me only makes it harder. I am an obnoxious, dark and strange person in a Mormon world, and I know that alienates me to a point.
Maybe it's wrong, and maybe it's not what God would have me be, but I am just not the sort of person who likes to talk about my testimony and personal scripture study in a social setting. I don't make temple trip plans when I am out, I don't do that whole "Molly Mormon" thing, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will. I watch anime and crime shows and I read books about vampires, dragons, necromancers and wizards. I game on my computer, I like movies with a little horror. I enjoy watching TV and movies that aren't rated G.
I am sure there are more out there like me, and maybe it's the whole group setting thing that makes people like me think they need to be something else, but it is hard. I have one LDS friend who I really get along with on the forms of entertainment level, but given she has no kids and is in school, it can make it hard to get together outside of VT visits.
And with non-LDS people it can be even harder, I don't watch rated R movies, I don't drink and I don't go to bars for live music. I do have kids at 26 (most of my non-member friends do not) so I can't be out until 2 in the morning. I'm not in school, I run a business and I have a 3 bedroom house with a yard I need to try and maintain, not an apartment.
Okay, pity party is done. I just had to get it out there.
