Wishing

Spent a lot of today wishing about things.

 Wishing I had worked harder on my writing in school when I seemed to be at my most creative.

Wishing I had a big, beautiful kitchen so I had the space to do all the cooking and baking I want to do this time of year.

 Wishing I my kids enjoyed walking in the cold for hours so I could do that while it's daylight and gorgeous!

 But most of today was spent wishing I had seen how special a certain person could be to me sooner.

  See, I only just discovered just what a great friend this person is capable of being for me in the last year, more like the last few months. And I have treasured their  friendship.

 But now they are leaving, and wont be back for awhile. It's good for them, and I would never wish anything else for them, but I am going to miss them something terrible.

 And now I worry that when they get back they will have changed, or they might have liked being away so much that they go away again. And I wish I had been cultivating this friendship longer than I have been so it would be stronger and more developed at this point.

 So while I am extremely happy for them, and glad to see them doing what makes them happy... in my more selfish moments I am sad.

 Anyways...... life moves on.

Dark and down

Okay, so it has been brought to my attention (by all my loving and wonderful friends supporting me) that I have been post some pretty down things lately. Just want my friends to know that I am okay. I am in one of my funks.

 I was diagnosed with postpartum depression in 2007, though with a family history of it and with signs from my youth it was probably just postpartum manifestation of  long term issues. I went off the meds within a few months (with Doctor approval) because I can handle my funks without them and I would rather not use meds, get used to them and need heavier and heavier dose down the road.

 They usually come and go without much that people not living with me will notice.  But this last month was a little longer, with more swings  than usual and this last week it all compounded by stuff going on in a friendship.

 See, I have always had self esteem issues. And while my wonderful husband has help massively with body issues, I am still the sort of person who, when things go south in friendship or something, makes it all about how awkward or stupid I was. Sometimes still debating things years later when I can't sleep. I know, it's pointless and I am sure I am often wrong, but I do it.

 But the point in explaining that is when drama happened in this friendship, I let it get me way more down than it should, and it doesn't help that it was this week of all weeks, when I was in a funk.

 Short version, I am doing fine, having my moments but overall still a happy person, playing with my kids, laughing with my husband and not feeling so down all the time.

 But a big thank you to the family and friends who have reached out to me lately, letting me know I am loved and cared for and that I have people to turn to when I need them.  Just knowing you are there can make those lower moments so much easier to move past.  So thank you! :)

Random thoughts

Just felt like blogging today, but didn't really have a point. So I guess I will do a life update.

Vinny: Did fantastically in school, completing 1st grade and half of 2nd!  We are very proud of him. He also gave a fantastic talk in church this year. He is reading at a 2nd grade level and has been challenged by his teacher to start reading 3rd grade level books so he can learn more. We do scriptures every night, and Vinny reads his own verse each night with minimal help. He has been doing swim lessons again and is certainly improving, slowly but surely.

William: Is a jabber mouth, no shock given his family. He is getting better and better at expressing himself with words and actions instead of grunts and melt downs. He has also started lessons this year and he is doing EXTREMELY well compared to his brother at this age. He even got a new teacher today and started trusting her very quickly. Still not potty trained, but I am working on that more and more and we have progress!

Daniel: Got a new job within ODOT as a lead tech. It has been challenging but a very good learning experience and paves the way for the next steps. Other than that it's computer games, playing with the boys and spending time with me. He is not much for outside socialization.

Me: Plateaued on the weight, not gaining, but not loosing either. I would really like a bike but getting a working one cost a bit more than we have to spend right now. I have started writing again, and Dan is helping. We are working on some kids books right now and hope to have sent it to a publisher by the new year. YEEE! I am getting better at being a housewife as well, it's only been 8 years since I started it, but I think I might finally be getting the hang of this! 

Also, for those who have not heard me talking about church callings before, Christmas 2011 I was called to be the music director in RS. If you didn't know, I have no musical inclination and cannot even read music. It was a challenge, but I have been getting more confident and much better at it these last few months. It's been interesting to see how much I have been able to learn. I can now understand music enough to get the general flow of the melody by reading the notes, I am not getting the notes right but I get the spacing, high/low and speed pretty well without help. Major improvement for only 18 months.

 Anyways, that's a bit of an update on our little family.

Satan lies

I was cleaning out my Sunday bag today and I found a copy of my talk from this year from church. I read it and it really lifted my spirits and I thought someone out there might be in need of the moral boost it gave me writing it, so I thought I would share it here.

 While many of the scriptures and people quoted are LDS, the core message is for anyone who believes in divine love and the Atonement of Christ.

Truth and Lies

by Jennifer Nuckols

Ensign article Oct 2009.

My dear brothers and sisters, I have been asked to speak to you today, using a wonderful talk by Sister Jennifer Nickols, which can be found in October 2009 Ensign. The title of this talk is Truth and lies.

Brothers and sisters, Satan lies. Somethings are forever, like death, taxes and Satan lying. He knows what he is doing. He was doing it before time was time.

But if we as Latter day saints already know this, why do we talk about it so often? Because he lies so well. Some lies are easier for some of us to see, like claims that God does not exist, that evil things are good or that he, the devil will bring us salvation.

But others are harder to see through, because they cut deep into our weakest point, our self worth.

President Ezra Taft Benson said “Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression.” and President Uchtdorf has warned that “Satan might even misuse words from the scriptures that emphasize the justice of God, in order to imply that there is no mercy.”

Satan wants us to lose faith, and he has a plan, and he has spent years perfecting it; Attack a person's individual worth and watch him crumble.

I have, as have many of you, fought this fight for years. I have struggled with my weight, with my hair and with my personality not fitting into the “norm”. As a teenager I felt on the outside so much of the time, I became uncomfortable when I was included in things.

The odd thing was, I really had no basis for my insecurity. I am not hound dog ugly, I was only a size 12-14 in school. I had wonderful, loving, supportive parents at home and I had many friends, both LDS and not, who cared deeply for me. But for some reason that was not enough. Something always told me I was not enough. I knew others who were even less “normal” than myself, but I always saw the best in them and I KNEW the Lord did, too. I never doubted the value of my friends and others at school. So why did I doubt myself?

Satan is very good at convincing us that we are right in our thinking because, “Look! You know others are valuable and loved by God, clearly you understand it! So if you feel so worthless, you must be right!”

How often I told myself that. How often I looked at those struggling around me and thought, “They are still so much better than me.”

Thankfully, because of the support I had, I was able to continue on. I did not give into the darker thoughts and desires of my heart. I fought on, believing that if those I loved and respected saw something in me, then I might just have a chance.

It took years, and the loving support of my husband to help me get out of that rut. I still slip in from time to time, but I am mostly in the clear. How did I do this? Sister Nickols said it best in the article, “I have tried to consciously identify my own damaging thoughts and replace them with gospel truths. In so doing, I have developed an increased ability to fight off Satan’s tools of 'despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression.'”

Replace the damaging thoughts with gospel truth. How exactly do we do that?

Well, Sister Nickols gave 5 wonderful examples of the great lies Satan tells us and the gospel truths to dispel them.

I would like to share them with you.

1.LIE: Because of my weaknesses and failings, God is continually disappointed in, frustrated with, and even angry with me.

TRUTH: God loves me and rejoices in me because I am His child.

For me, and for Sister Nickols, the best remedy is to think of our earthly fathers. Or for those who might not have had the best relationship with your fathers, a trusted male figure, a relative or a bishop.

How often have we made mistakes, our poor choices hurt others, and yet these caring men have loved us still?

My dad had a look he had mastered that some how said, “I love you so much, but what you did makes me sad, because I KNOW you can do better.” For a moment I would want to crawl inside myself, but with no word said, unspoken love pouring off of him, I would feel a desire, a NEED to do better. It inspired me, as should the love of our Heavenly Father.

In Heleman 15:3 it says, “yea, the people of Nephi hath he loved, and also hath he chastened them; yea, in the days of their iniquities hath he chastened them because he loveth them.”

That is how our Heavenly Father feels about us. He is sadden by these choices, not disappointed IN us, but FOR us. He wants so much more for us, but He will love us eternally, regardless of our mistakes.

2.LIE: I’m not as righteous, spiritual, attractive, or kind as that other person; therefore, God must love that person more than He loves me.

TRUTH: God knows my individual potential and progress intimately. He does not compare or rank me with His other children.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve said;

God “does not mercilessly measure [His children] against their neighbors. He doesn’t even compare them with each other. His gestures of compassion toward one do not require a withdrawal or denial of love for the other. … I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us —insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions.”

Just as Christ loved all He came in contact with, the sinners, the sick, even those who tortured and crucified Him, God loves all his children. Regardless of those things which Satan and the world would have us use to judge our worth, God loves us all equally.

3.LIE: I need to prove that I’m worth loving by being perfect. Only when I’m perfect will I be able to experience love from God and from others.

TRUTH: Even though I’m not perfect now, I can have constant access to divine love.

I guess God wanted to give me a little reminder about this one today. In the original talk, Sister Bonnie D. Parkin is quoted as saying, “Do we frequently reject the Lord’s love that He pours out upon us in much more abundance than we are willing to receive? Do we think we have to be perfect in order to deserve His love? When we allow ourselves to feel ‘encircled about eternally in the arms of his love’, we feel safe, and we realize that we don’t need to be immediately perfect.”

I say the Lord was speaking to me because many years ago, when I was feeling extremely low and worthless, I entered the seminary building and said a little prayer. I asked the Lord to please show me some sign that He or anyone loved me that day. I open my scriptures at random to D&c 6:20 which reads; “Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.”

Whenever I am feeling low, I remember that moment, insert my own name for Oliver's and feel the warmth I so needed that day over a decade ago. Even today it has to power to heal my aching heart.

4.LIE: I’m a terrible failure. I’ll never be good enough because I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

TRUTH: I’m not perfect, but the desires of my heart are good. I can feel inspired to progress.

We will all fail. A lot. Since our marriage nearly 8 years ago, Daniel and I have had the opportunity to teach the youth, ages 11-14, 3 different times. I have told each class, “You are entering the age where you will push boundaries, question what you have known your whole life, and you WILL make mistakes. From now until the end of your time on earth.”

It may sound dark, or upsetting, but in all reality, it is a blessing. Without those many, many mistakes, we cannot learn. Without those early mistakes, we would not have the expirence later in life, when consequences are often much greater.

A few months back, my Mother-in-law gave me a parenting book called Love and Logic. At one point the book said something that surprised me, “Love and Logic parents love it when their children make mistakes. Why? Because the price tags for mistakes made by young children are smaller than those made by teens.” and adults.

Our own mistakes are much like this. We can learn from them, grow stronger. And with the Lord, even our greatest mistakes can be forgiven and He will “remember them no more”. What a great gift we have in the atonement.

But still many of us struggle deeply with the burdens of past mistakes, we labor under the burden of our misdeeds, feeling that until we fully repent and commit our sins no more, we cannot partake in the love of our Father.

Not so. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “May I speak to those who carry their own load and more, to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short. … There is a difference … between being ‘anxiously engaged’ and being over-anxious and thus underengaged. … We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil’s dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self. We need the first and must shun the second, remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.”

Again, as stated before in Heleman, “he chastened them because he loveth them.”

5.LIE: I have too many issues, hang-ups, and past mistakes to be blessed and happy.

TRUTH: No mistake, no personal challenge, no past circumstance is outside of the healing and redemptive power of the Atonement.

Sister Nickols expanded on this much better than I could, she said “The anti-Christs in the Book of Mormon tried to convince people to renounce their faith in Christ. Even though we may profess belief in Christ, when we tell ourselves that we are outside the redemptive power of the Atonement, we are falling prey to a common deception of the greatest anti-Christ, Satan.

In contrast, President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve teaches that “save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fulness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. … Restoring what you cannot restore, healing the wound you cannot heal, fixing that which you broke and you cannot fix is the very purpose of the atonement of Christ.”

In The Miracle of Forgiveness, by President Spencer W. Kimball, it says, “There is a glorious miracle awaiting every soul who is prepared to change. Repentance and forgiveness make brilliant day of darkest night...The essence of the miracle of forgiveness is that it brings peace to the previously anxious, restless, frustrated, perhaps tormented soul...[and] those who heed the call [to repentance] , whether members or non-members...can be partakers of the miracle...God will wipe away from their eyes, the tears of anguish, and remorse... and smiles of satisfaction will replace the worried anxious look.”

But the most important thing is to remember to call upon the Holy Spirit when questions of self doubt, like the 5 listed in the talk, and others come into your heart and mind. Ask by the power of the Spirit to know the truth, for “the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be”.

Brothers and sisters, I bare unto you my testimony that Lord does love all this children. That Christ died for us. I would like to leave you with this thought:

“if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee,...The Son of Man hath descended below them all” for us. He has suffered for us. He has made ready our mansions, He eagerly awaits us. We have but to come unto Him and accept His sacrifice and repent.

If we were not worth it, why would He have ever suffered so greatly for us? I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(If you know someone who might need this message, feel free to share)

Education Update

Anyone who pays attention to this blog knows the choice we made for Vinny's education. If you somehow missed this, we chose on-line charter school.

 Because of that choice, Vinny was able to start school as a Kindergartener by name, but skip the K curriculum, instead starting at 1st grade. He flew through the program, completing 1st grade only a month after the second semester began. He has now started 2nd grade and is slated to complete the first semester by years end.

 But some people in Oregon don't like this. They are trying to reduce the number of kids allowed in these programs, cut funding and create a special task force just for watch dogging the on-line charter schools.

 The major force behind these bills is the OEA, a group who claims to be out for what is best for teachers and students. But if that is really the goal, why are they attacking a system that is helping students prosper and a place teachers love to work (I have spoken to multiple ORCA and OVRA teachers about this)?

 Why is it that the OEA and other "for kids" groups are against these others options in education? Is it because they have less control over on-line charter? Because they cannot box all kids into the same mold? Or is it because they see where they are failing and it is not because of a lack of funding, but instead a lack of effort on the part of the administrators in charge of budgeting?  (On-line students get less funding than brick and mortar ones, yet more often than not, do better in school)


 Now please keep in mind, I have nothing against teachers. Many of my friends and family are teachers. They work hard and do their best for their students. But if they are locked into a failing system, they can only do so much.

 I am also not saying on-line education is for everyone. Many need the experience of a B&M education, or would thrive either way so they go to school with their friends. But it is such a wonderful program for others. And as a parent, each of us should have the choice of how our children are educated.

 So I would ask all my friend in Oregon and around the country, if you get the chance to vote for or support a bill, please, give parents the choice for what is best for their child. Support school choice!

Babies, babies, babies!

So many of my friends have just had babies or are pregnant. As a 27 year old Mormon woman you might think this is giving me the baby crazies, but no.

 Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE  babies, as my friend Rachel can attest by my complete willingness to hold and snuggle her little guy, but I am not getting baby hungry.

 When Vinny was born I could still feel a little something missing in my heart. Our family wasn't whole. After Will was born, that went away. We have prayed and considered on and it still isn't there.
 Which is strange for me because I always wanted a girl, but now I have no desire to try for one. I am content in spoiling my nieces and letting them play with my Polly Pockets and Barbie dolls.

So after a lot of thinking and planning we have decided that we have our little family. If that changes down the road, there is always adoption, but now we just don't think there is anyone else waiting to be a Rodgers/Prychun.

 Now why am I bringing this up? It is not to suggested what we are doing is right for everyone, it is not an attack on anyone seeking a large family. I bring it up because I have gotten looks, eye rolls, and "Well, we all make plans.." and that really annoys me.

 Not that anyone who I know reads my blog has been saying anything like this. But I has really gotten under my skin in recent months. People have asked me "When are you having another? Will is already almost 3!" and when I tell them our plans they sigh, one even scoffed like that was a bad choice.

People outside the church often give members grief for having so many kids, and people understandably get upset by it, thinking, "What business is it of theirs if I have 3 kids or 30?" But some of those same people proceed to treat those in the church with smaller families as if they are doing it wrong. Who are you to decide what is right for someone else? You do not receive revelation for anyone's family but your own.


 Anyways, a bit rambly and certainly a ranting post, the point of it all is, church or no church, kids or no kids, 3 or 30, every family is a family and size really doesn't count. What counts is the love and I would add sanity of the members of that family. Love them for who they all are, respect their choice and leave them to their own family plan.

He's going to be socially retarded!!

No one wants to hear that people think they are parenting wrong. But it is especially painful and irritating when you have thought, studied, prayed, discussed with family and friends and done everything else you can think of before finalizing your decision and then you're told you don't know what you're doing, you're going to hurt your kid or that everything you've done is in vain because you are wrong anyways.

 I am pretty sure all of my readers know by now, but next month Vinny is starting school. But he will not be going to a brick and mortar school with standard classes, he will be attending Connections Academy; an on-line charter school program.

 We started looking into this option a year ago because Vinny seemed so far ahead of other kids his age. We looked into it and found that in Oregon, barring absolute genius IQ, a child cannot legally start school until they are 5 years old. While this was a disappointment, we took it upon ourselves to start his education anyways, through a very simplified home school process. It wasn't daily, but we tried to focus his life around learning even more than he already had on his own.

 We spent the next year researching on-line charter, home school and standard school options for the 12-13 school year. Nothing looked right to us except CA. We found out what Vinny was expected to know before or learn during Kindergarten and we were shocked. He was well beyond what they said he should know AFTER his first year.

 So I did what any parent would, I looked into a placement test, to see if I was just overly proud of son or if he really was that far ahead. According to the placement test, his knowledge is equivalent to about half way through the 1st grade already.

 Now, in Oregon, he cannot legally be a 1st grader until he is 6. So public school was out as option as I knew that even with the best teachers, he would grow bored and likely stagnate. Home school was never really on our minds as I was not the best student and focusing can be hard for me with all I have going on right now.

 So after all that, we decided, proudly and without hesitation, that we would enroll him in CA this year. While he is legally a kindergartener, all the work they sent us is at a 1st grade level. We got it 2 1/2 weeks ago and he is already 3 weeks into the work books and other non PC material. And school doesn't even for start in 3 weeks. And he is loving it!

 But the reason I am writing this is not to brag, or even detail the process. It is to educate others on my choice. Despite feeling like we put a lot of effort into this choice and knowing it's what's best for Vinny, we have received a lot of negativity from people. People who seem to also be sorely misinformed on the school and programs, yet feel they have a right to berate me for it anyways.

Now, not everyone has been nasty, some, like my Mom, seemed to think this was just home school. But it is not, I am not the teacher, more like a teacher's aid. Vinny has a real teacher who teaches him and about 20-30 other kids, he will use video and audio to communicate with her. She will check his work and relay any possible issues to me. I will mark his attendance, but they will check is on-line time to be sure. He will be graded, he will have real work. Heck, we got a huge box of books and workbooks that are  the same brand Salem-Keizer Schools use.

 My Mom was also worried about Vinny's social interactions (hence the title of this post) as were many others. But CA worries about their social growth as well. They will gather on-line together, have filed trips together and class projects and assignments. They encourage kids working together in group settings.

 Exercise was also an expressed concern. We were shipped a kids yoga DVD and a jump rope and I can assure you (as can my floors) that even in the dead of winter, this kid does not lack activity.

The worst things came from others. In an argument, after expressing the reasons  I have listed here, someone said, "None of that matters. None of that makes me think you know better than the teachers." Which told me they knew nothing about CA and it's programs, and they clearly didn't truly listen to a word I had to say. They had made of their opinion based on whatever they had heard and chose to judge me and my parenting on that alone. I was told by others that I would stunt him socially, that I was making him an idiot. That I was a moron for even considering it.

 But the very worst I heard was not directed at me. Another mom who's son will be in the 1st grade class with Vinny, was threaten by her ex-husband. He threaten to seek sole custody of their kids if she enrolled them. He didn't research, he didn't think it through, he jumped the gun and hurt her and their kids who are excited about this school year.

 The reason I am putting this out there is not to bash anyone or attack anyone, but to enlighten people on this choice and let people know that there are other options.  If you want to know more, or doubt what I say, visit their site, request a brochure, go to a info event. Please, educate yourselves before thinking that I or anyone else is making the wrong call.

He is my son, and I want what is best for him. And that is what I am doing.

http://www.connectionsacademy.com/home.aspx

(P.s My Mom is on board now, FYI, and it's all good. Or I never would have listed who it was I talked to!)