Alone.

Okay, time to vent some feelings.

I have always struggled with self esteem issues. And while I never let it completely control my life, it has led to depression and poor decisions through out the last 10-15 years.

After marrying Dan, things started getting better. I took pride in my appearance, I worked to look and feel great and really started to be able to ignore those little negative things that would pop into my head.

But it's starting to slip. A huge factor is that my average week consists of housework, childcare, the shop and an hour or so of socializing with my sister-in-law. That hour has become my haven. Because of the shops hours, Dan's 12 hour days and the need to have someone watch my kids, I don't get so socialize much at all.

Dan tries to help, but for him gaming on-line is socialization enough. Not me. And even when I can make it out to things, I always feel left out. Not that I think people are TRYING to ignore me, but I always feel on the outside. All the parents with kids my kids' age seem to get together a lot, they bond and they always have something to talk about. And when they talk, I have no idea what they are referencing.

I know a lot is how I perceive things, but when I leave an activity, I usually walk out alone, without anyone to say good-bye to. And it feels like no one notices. I know, I know, I am probably being a tad dramatic, but still, it's how I feel.

And it used to be, before I got my license, my mom and I would do things together all the time, but now, I have so much to do and she has so much typing (she does medical transcription from home) that we rarely get together without the whole family there.

And being me only makes it harder. I am an obnoxious, dark and strange person in a Mormon world, and I know that alienates me to a point.

Maybe it's wrong, and maybe it's not what God would have me be, but I am just not the sort of person who likes to talk about my testimony and personal scripture study in a social setting. I don't make temple trip plans when I am out, I don't do that whole "Molly Mormon" thing, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will. I watch anime and crime shows and I read books about vampires, dragons, necromancers and wizards. I game on my computer, I like movies with a little horror. I enjoy watching TV and movies that aren't rated G.

I am sure there are more out there like me, and maybe it's the whole group setting thing that makes people like me think they need to be something else, but it is hard. I have one LDS friend who I really get along with on the forms of entertainment level, but given she has no kids and is in school, it can make it hard to get together outside of VT visits.

And with non-LDS people it can be even harder, I don't watch rated R movies, I don't drink and I don't go to bars for live music. I do have kids at 26 (most of my non-member friends do not) so I can't be out until 2 in the morning. I'm not in school, I run a business and I have a 3 bedroom house with a yard I need to try and maintain, not an apartment.


Okay, pity party is done. I just had to get it out there.

Recipe share time

Tonight I am sharing my AWARD WINNING (thank you 4th ward!) Hidden Veggie Chili. Simple, yummy and packed with healthy foods while not having any chunks for picky eaters to complain about. Enjoy!

Hidden Veggie Chili

* WARNING *

Measurements are not perfect, I am a by sight cook and am guessing. Go with your preferences.

2lbs Lean ground beef

2 cans chili beans

1 large can tomato paste

1 large bag of spinach

3 cups chopped sweet peppers

1 medium-large onion, chopped

1-2 cups carrot juice

2 cloves garlic

½ tablespoon Cayenne pepper

¼ tablespoon curry powder

Salt and pepper to taste

Cook ground beef on medium until well cooked, drain thoroughly

Mix spinach, peppers, onion, garlic and about 1 cup carrot juice in a blender until smooth (add more juice if necessary)

Mix blender mixture, meat, tomato paste and chili beans in a pot on medium-low heat (or a crock pot)

Let chili cook for 3-4 hours.

During the last 15-20 minutes do a taste test and see if more spice is needed, I like to see if it needs a little more sweetness and use carrot juice for that.

Serve in a bowl or over a backed potato and enjoy!

Racism

Websters Dictionary defines racism as:

1.

: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

2

: racial prejudice or discrimination

So, Can anyone tell me where it says "Anyone who dislikes something that might affect people of another race? Because I'm not seeing it.

I am so sick of being called a racist because I am for welfare reform, or because I don't agree with President Obama, or simply because I am a registered republican. It is so dang irritating!

The worst part is how, no matter what I truly think or feel, I am racist, and no matter what "they' do, they aren't. Like how the Congressional Black Caucus and tell someone that if they are white they are never getting in, but if I headed up some White Caucus and said no blacks the ACLU would be coming after me with eyes blazing!

How on earth is that fair or right? And how on earth are we supposed to get beyond racism with bull hockey like that going on? Specialist groups for one race or against a race. How about instead of working on dividing us into groups based on our differences we work on represent everyone.

I keep hearing people talk about how we need to help minorities do better in schools and college. The current method is to single them out and throw money at them, but that hasn't been working very well. How about we get the balls to look at them and say "This is why you/your child is failing." Quit throwing money at it.

Why can't we get the parents to take responsibility for their kids, "Hey, you don't get involved with your kids education, they wont do as well and it is on your head, not the teachers, not the district, not the state."

And as a society let's donate to and start programs that give kids a place to go and study after school, programs that give them something more, dance, music and art, to drive their lives. But keep them responsible for themselves.

I cannot stand the idea of a kid getting into a college because of their race, because the college has some "racial quota" to meet. It should be based on grades and effort. Race should have nothing to do with college acceptance!

Sorry, I know it was a little scattered, but I had to get it off my chest. ACK!

Toddlers, tiaras and total digust!

Sometimes I am so glad I don't have a daughter. I was reading Good Housekeeping this morning and they had a very long piece on young girls and beauty pageants, alla Toddlers and Tiaras. And may I just say, I am now ill.

$3,000 for a custom dress? Hours in hair and make up and hair extensions? Thousands spent to win a stupid tiara and a few hundred bucks? What is wrong with these mothers?

And I am talking about the little girls, like 10 and under, as young as a few months old! These girls are winking and blowing kisses at the judges. Like the article says, while these little cuties have no idea what their really doing, it is teaching them that flirty behavior gets them what they want. Another point they made that I had never thought of was that it is teaching them a sexual action without any emotional connection. Causing a disconnect between flirting and any real feelings. It's just a tool.

And it's not just pageants. Have you seen the clothes marketed to kids? Push up padded bikini tops for 8 year olds? "Teacher's Pet" on KIDS UNDERWEAR? Seriously? And that video awhile back with the 4 or so year olds doing a Coyote Ugly-Esque dance routine at a mall? Everyone thought it was "So cute" and harmless, but what do you tell those kids when they dance like that at 14 at a dance with boys drooling after them? Used to fine, why not now?

And while I am glad I don't have a daughter with friends going through all this, I am worried because I have 2 boys who are going to be exposed to this stuff at a younger age as well. And if this is how the kids Vin's age are acting now, how bad will it be in 10 years?

Been awhile

Well, I've been out for awhile, had a lot going on, But now I have a little time and thought I would update you all (aka one of you) of what's going on with the Rodgers clan.

William is almost walking, cruising around like a nut. But he just wont take that step by himself. We were worried that his legs might not be strong enough to walk, but he is proving that theory wrong. I think my mom is right, he's just lazy.

Vinny is doing really well with his "homeschooling". We are doing spelling words every week and math and reading. He really is an amazing little learning machine. He asks me for "school time" and is sad when we're done. It's so nice because he seems to have inherited Dan's love of learning and not my love of goofing off.

Actually, we just finished having him read 5 short/simple stories and do 4 little assignments. He absolutely loved it. He only stopped when I changed to math, which he sometimes loves but not today.

The rest of things are going well, busy at the shop, working on the house. Oh! I am working out on the Wii. Less than 1 week and I have lost 3.3lbs doing 30 minutes of cardio a each night, normally before dinner to help with digestion. Perhaps a little TMI but I am proud of it. Dan has lost 5-6lbs this past week as well.

We haven't being do much outside our daily schedule, which has really been getting to me. I am minorly depressed and I am usually able to get out of my funks without meds or anything. But this time I am struggling. I think I need to mix it up a little. Luckily tonight is a fun activity with the RS sisters, tomorrow is a "book unveiling" for a friend and next month there are activities and such going on that should help break up the monotony and help me out a bit.

And I think that's about it. At least for now.

Is it over yet?

I am so ready for summer to be over. I know that sounds awful, because I was excited to get some nice dry weather, but all I am getting is heat. Muggy nasty heat.

I have no pool, nor the money to buy one or go to one regularly. Neither of my boys will play in the sprinkler with me (and I look stupid doing it alone) With the shop and the boys I can't go to the coast on a whim.

I don't have time to go to the parks with water features when it's warm enough, it's always early morning or late night.

So pretty much all I get to experience is a un-air conditioned shop, a 70 degree house. Oh, and a poor little boy whose eczema flair in the humidity.

So I am ready for the fall to kick in.

Well.....

Well, I feel like I should be writing something here.

I guess I will ramble on about Vinny and his homework. This kid is amazing, it just stinks that he is no 5 until December, he can't start Kindergarten until next year. But this kid is on fire! He is flying through home-school Kindergarten level assignments, he is doing reading, writing, math (basic addition and subtraction IN HIS HEAD!) Yesterday we spent an hour on a work book about his name, address, family, etc.

He is just doing so well, and that hour? I had to stop him, he wanted to keep going but needed to take nap. It's just crazy. I am starting to do a lesson a day, quiz him randomly, and he seems to be loving it.

He read the first few pages of a simple book at the library yesterday. He is sounding out words with minimal help. I just don't want this love of learning to stagnate, which I am very sure will happen if I wait until next year. Most certainly will happen if he goes into the public school system as it stands now.

It's hard, as my mom points out, I am no teacher. I have no formal training, but it seems like those with the training are being hog tied by government and union garbage. It seems like Oregon at least, is more worried about numbers moving forward than they are about what those kids know or how they will be in the world when they leave.

So if anyone has advice or tools they are willing to share, please let me know!